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I've noticed

I've noticed that when I'm not fully confident in something, I take my sweet time in doing it, because I don't want to mess it up. Such was the case yesterday, when Seng asked me to break down some salmon, which I have never done before. He gave me a really quick run-down on one then told me to do it, then walked away. I struggled with it, having to ask help from another co-worker, but it still took forever. Then Seng just texts me saying "Hurry up" when I have other time-consuming tasks other than the fish to deal with, while no one helped me. And of course it got busy, which soured my mood.

I felt abandoned and pretty useless, standing in that chilled room with the dead fish. I'll get better doing that over time, it's only natural. To think that I'd be amazing at it by myself is ridiculous though. Seng and I have been taught through rigorous Japanese standards in which the only way is the perfect way. The difference between me and him is that he has a long background of cooking skills whereas I have none, so basically his shit is perfect and mine is just alright. He expects everyone to be like him, but none of us (the three other people that work at the sushi bar) are never gonna be that. The expectations are Japanese-like, AKA unreachable in a sense. It's stressful, and somewhat depressing.

If I'm not working, I'm off somewhere playing Magic. I've won or gone to the finals in the last three semi-major tournaments I've been to. At least all this playing has been paying off. I qualified for this silly tournament in Chicago in August, and I'm kinda stoked to go. I desperately need a vacation, and I seem to have an ample amount of expendable cash, so this tournament is pretty perfect. Now if only I can get those days off...



When I meet up with people I don't see normally and they ask me what I've been doing, all I reply is "Work." What I never mention to most people is that whenever I'm not working, I'm spending countless hours/mental energy/money on Magic. I've been going to a ton of tournaments, coming oh-so-close to top 8ing. This truly has replaced frisbee as my hobby of choice. I'm not seeing favorable results from all the work I happen to be putting into this. It's getting more and more disheartening as I continue to lose week after week. June should be a much slower tournament month, as I only plan on doing two events.

Tomorrow I'm seeing Susan for the first time in like two months since that time I got super duper drunk at CityWalk (oops I never wrote about that!). Long story short: she had to drive my drunk ass home, and I puked a little in her car, not before puking all over some club there. It was one of my finest moments, I know. Anyways, here's to me screwing it up all over again.

Quick note

I randomly feel unhappy when I should almost always feel happy. Everything is going fine, but I couldn't be more miserable sometimes. Get over this, and get over yourself. There are people out there suffering way more than you, so your problems compared to there is miniscule.

But if my problems are tiny, am I insignificant? The thought that my problems are nothing compared to the problems of others makes me depressed. Not only are others suffering, my random train of thought is meaningless.

My focus should be on the future, not bullshit like this.



It's funny how everything is actually going well for me, but I'm still unsatisfied with life. I'm generally unhappy with random things that should make me happy. I find it weird when people think of me and do stuff/invite me to places. I already knew I had self-esteem issues. Maybe all this isolation I have been doing is getting to me. I guess I'm just happy with where my life is going, but unhappy that it doesn't feel complete.

I should just get over it. I'm doing pretty well right now.


Here we go again

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday. It just feels like such a large number, 27. Overall, the 26th year of my life was acceptable. Now I look at my life and wonder what I have accomplished and where I'm going. I can really section my life into four different categories:

1. Professional: Last year I was still working for the Rosen Centre. I actually enjoyed the job, and Yoshi is a fine mentor. The summer and fall hit though and hours were becoming fewer and fewer. I knew I had to leave after they didn't schedule me for three weeks. I was afraid of finding a job on my own, since all the jobs prior were obtained through a recommendation of a peer. I did land the job at Funky Monkey, and knew this was my opportunity to really test my skills and see where I stacked up. I was surprised to see that my skills surpassed many, if not all, of the "sushi chefs" there. I was actually mentoring many of them, showing them techniques to improve their own skills. I wonder to myself if this is the caliber of sushi chefs that is standard throughout Orlando. I know I am a cut above others now, and I'm confident that I will continue to grow. Now that I'm with the Royal Pacific Resort and with Seng again, I can continue to grow as a chef and keep learning new techniques. I've got a long road ahead, but I'm ready.

2. Social: Juggling this and my professional side still seems to be rough. Since I section off my friends from drinking friends to Magic friends to high school friends, it's hard to find time for all of them. Though my "fallout" with Billy still stings in my mind, whenever we get together (which is not often), we're still like old friends. I know we will be friends for a long time, but with the years going by, I know we will grow apart in our paths in life. I am quite lucky to have the friends and connections that I have. They have been there to help me when I'm down, carry me when I can't walk and be there when I don't want to move forward. I'd be nowhere without my friends.

3. Hobbies: Frisbee and Magic are my two main hobbies. I don't play frisbee as much anymore, but I know I can still play with the best of them. All that holds me back is my own physical skill. In terms of Magic, I know I'm getting much better at the game and thinking outside the box in terms of how to build decks and attack the metagame. Soon I'll have a breakout tournament and actually earn some money in this field.

4. Love: Susan and I will probably not work out the way I imagined. I've known her since Memorial Day of last year and throughout that time, she has constantly stressed to me that she only wants a friendship. I'm not sure if it's me that she is not attracted to, or her own need to find her independence, but I need to realize that it's not gonna happen. Going out with her though has shown my flaws in personal interactions though, as I stuck my foot in my mouth time after time. Everything I do in my life is to try and improve myself so I can find a suitable life partner. I don't want to be alone. I want a family. I do want love. I just need to get out there and get it. I'm just not entirely sure how to.

What's gonna happen this year? I'm gonna buckle down and focus plenty on work. I'm gonna continue and be the best absolute person I can be and hopefully that will attract someone to me. I'll try to stay positive about myself, because I know I am my own worst enemy. I often feel like I am just not good enough, but I know plenty of people who will disagree. I need to know that I am great. I just need to be me.


June 2011
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